Greetings! We’re one day away from the year 5775!* If you’re reading this from the year 2014, my goodness, life has changed.
First off, I know you think standing in a gold and lapis encrusted chariot is impressive, but I’ve got a chariot made from metals you’ve never even mined and pulled by invisible horses. I call it a Toyota Matrix.
Second, I know you love drinking fermented barley through a straw, but you haven’t lived until you’ve tasted pumpkin pie spiced apple cider. Er, I don’t have time to explain what a pumpkin is. Or a pie. Look, have a six pack on me. Oh, those bottles are made from something called glass. We plug up our windows with it so we can look outside without letting all the heat out of our houses. No, the houses don’t fill up with smoke and kill our children. We’ve got something…
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